About a month ago she nursed all night long. So without thinking about it I told her we were done. She shook her sweet little head up and down and said "mm hmm" and that was it. If she asked for "bop" I would tell her that was for babies and she went on her happy little way. But the second night my "bop" hurt, it was swollen. I had a particularly sad day at work (lets face it, my job is rarely happy and fun. While being with people at the end stages of their life is an honor, it still hurts sometimes) and when she so sweetly pulled at my top, snuggled up to me with her feet in my lap, well, I gave it to her. I learned in that moment that "bop" was not just an Anna thing, it was a mommy and Anna thing. I needed her as much as she needed me.
So for about a week now she has nursed ALL NIGHT LONG. I just don't think I can do it anymore. I NEED it. I need the snuggles and the tears are streaming down my face now as I type this, but I can't be this half awake zombie mom anymore. I can't continue drinking 6 cups of coffee before I can even function. I NEED TO SLEEP. So this morning when she woke up she had "bop" and while she was nursing (so sweetly with her arm rubbing my arm and little giggles and smiles) I talked to her about "bop" and how it is for babies and she is a big girl. I took some photos of our last session so I'd have them. I also have some professional shots for me to hang on to and for her to see how special what we did was. I want her to be proud of me for this. I want her to have this with her babies.
So if you see me and I have tears in my eyes and I seem distracted, maybe just give me a break. Please don't say anything sarcastic. It actually really hurts me. Please don't tell me, "well, it's about time" or "she's too old for that anyway" I can't hear that now. I need the world to stop and see that breast feeding is amazing. It is the strongest most natural thing a mother can do. I'm allowed to say this, I don't have to worry about upsetting the formula world because Ella Grace is a formula baby. She turned out amazing. Not one thing wrong with her. Formula was right for us and that is what we did. But being able to do this with Anna fixed me. It made me confident and showed me patience and love that I have never had before. It made me a better person. It made me see that my family, my babies need to slow down. Instead of rushing through every day and trying to survive we need to slow down and simply love each other. Nursing has taught me to be better. Nursing isn't those radical idiots who have boob flashing parties. Nursing isn't gross. Nursing isn't selfish. Nursing is natural. Everyone needs to put their personal opinions aside and remember that nursing is deeply personal and so very important. Please don't tell me your opinions on it. I simply don't care because this moment (below) and thousands just like it, are mine & Anna's. You can't take them from us, and you can't tell me that she's too old for this. Even if she is, it is our choice to make. I am making it now and it hurts. It really hurts. So I need support and love. This will be an emotional process for both of us. This tough girl is going to have a hard time weaning herself from giving her sweet girl the "bop" but it is time. We are ready to grow together. I am armed with snuggles and love and feel like I can do this. *sigh*
i don't know you...but have gone through this...to an extent. my son never latched, so i pumped, because that's what you're supposed to do, right? i got through a week. it was a week of tears from me and him. i screamed at the nurses in the hospital after i had him because i had nothing for him and they told me it was ok. no...it was NOT ok. one day i tried to pump, and after 2 hours i had an ounce of milk. i couldn't do it anymore. i was a failure. how could this thing, which was supposed to be so natural, be so completely foreign? my daughter came along 4 1/2 years later, and i was determined. i again fought with the nurses AND lactation consultants to get what i needed to be able to nurse her. it was a few days of tears...lots of them...to the point my husband threw a nurse out of my room. but i got it! and you're right...it is the most loving, comforting, natural thing in the world! i was whole again. i was very upset 2 months later when i had nothing left. a friend at work the other day told me that his 18 month old is getting her molars, and the only thing that seems to help her is nursing. in my head i thought, "18 months? still? really?" but i didn't say it. i thought it in my head, and then i thought about myself and my kids. his daughter is upset and crying, so of course you want to do everything you can to comfort her. it's only natural! and just because it's not my thing, or our thing, why should i judge someone else for their thing? i commend you! there were so many months i wished i was able to nurse for longer. i loved our time together, i loved the closeness, and i loved that i was the only one in her world who could give her what she needed. i don't think i could have had the strength to nurse a full year, and certainly not 18 months or longer! but that's me. i did what was right for my family, and you are doing what is right for yours. and i know it's hard not letting other people's ignorant comments bother you...easier said than done! but they are not in your shoes, so their opinions have no bearing on what you do. keep doing whatever you are going to do. you have support, even from people you don't know!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Melissa for taking the time to read my post and respond. I also appreciate your support!
ReplyDeleteI love this! It honesty made me tear up! I nursed both my babies, but not as long as i wanted. Apparently my boobs are to far apart to fully developed milk "says all the professionals" even thought I had to give them both formula with the second one I hung on to nursing as long as i could, and not just for him but for me. The closest way for me to describe the feeling of nursing my babies is falling in love x10! It's so special! I miss is and will never forget it! It's hard at first "specially if its your last baby" but it gets easier. I'm about two months in since I stopped nursing and I still miss those special moments between the two of us. My best advice to you would be to find something to do with her that no one's else does. Even though she will always have a closer bond with you from all that time you nursed together it will make you feel better. Keep your head up and what you did was right and there are others who are proud of you for it! Some even envious. So don't ever let anyone get you down for being a good momma :)
ReplyDeleteSorry if that came out all messed up. I'm still trying to figure out this tablet lol.
ReplyDeleteKendra, thank you so much for putting this into words... so many people don't understand... I am so glad that you were able to have this experience. It was hard when I decided to wean Gavin at 16 months, but it was time for both of us. You are an amazing mother and kudos to you!
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